Noah Forman

SUBMIT

SPEED 1X

RESTART

HELP! THERE'S BEEN A MURDER ON THE MOUNTAIN! WE'VE CONTACTED THE LOCAL CONSTABLE, BUT HIS DRINKING PROBLEM HAS LEFT HIM INCAPACITATED. WILL YOU HELP SOLVE THE MURDER? [Y]ES OR [N]O? YOU CAN TYPE "Y" OR "N". THE ENTER KEY WILL SUBMIT! >>>>>

THANK YOU FOR ACCEPTING. OUR CONSTABLE IS A MASSIVE DISSAPOINTMENT TO OUR COMMUNITY. HE WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE WE EVER MADE AS A TOWN. WELL, EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME WE MADE OUR TOWN HALL OUT OF COMPLETLEY EDIBLE MATERIALS. BUT THANK GOD FOR YOU! OUR SAVIOUR! WHAT NAME DO YOU GO BY? >>>>>

OKAY. I GUESS ... UM ... JUST LIKE ... CLICK BACK IN YOUR BROWSER THEN. CAUSE THE MURDER IS REALLY WHAT THIS WHOLE THING IS ABOUT. BUT I GUESS THE MURDER WILL JUST GO UNSOLVED. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND SOLVE THE MURDER? [Y]ES OR [N]O? >>>>>

I LOVE THE NAME @NAME@! IT'S ALSO MY DAUGHTER'S NAME. HERE'S WHAT WE KNOW: 1) A MURDER WAS REPORTED ON THE MOUNTAIN THAT'S ALL WE KNOW. THE INITIAL REPORT WAS TAKEN BY ... YOU GUESSED IT ... THAT DAMNED CONSTABLE AND, DRUNK AS HE WAS, IT WAS COMPLETELY ILLEGIBLE. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ROCK GROUP? >>>>>

THEY RULE! ANYWAY, ENOUGH CHIT CHAT. THERE'S A MURDER TO BE SOLVED! SEARCH THE MOUNTAIN FOR THE MURDER VICTIM. WHAT MOUNTAIN? THE MOUNTAIN ON THE HOMEPAGE. COME ON. IT'S OBVIOUS. OH BTW! I JUST THOUGHT OF MY FAVORITE QUOTE FROM @ROCKGROUP@: "I LOVE YOU @NAME@!"

WAY TO GO @NAME@! YOU HAVE DISCOVERED A BODY ON THE MOUNTAIN! IT'S NOT JUST ANY BODY THOUGH. IT APPEARS TO BE VERY OLD. WHAT A TWIST! THE BODY IS NOT UNLIKE THAT OF OTZI (PRONOUNCED OOT-ZEE). OTZI WAS THE ANCIENT ICEMAN FOUND IN THE OTZTAL ALPS IN 1991. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT OTZI YOU SHOULD GO TO: http://www.google.com ANYWAY, PERHAPS THIS IS HIS BROTHER FOOTZI (PRONOUNCED FOOT-ZEE). NICE................ LET'S INSPECT FOR CLUES.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO INSPECT HIS [B]ODY, [A]XE, [C]LOTHING, OR [I]PHONE? >>>>>

LET'S LOOK AT HIS BODY. HIS BODY APPEARS TO BE FROZEN SOLID. IT'S PROBABLY FROM THE ICE. ICE IS COLD. THERE IS ALSO A HEAD WOUND MADE WITH A BLUNT OBJECT. PERHAPS THAT'S HOW HE DIED. THE BODY ALSO HAS MULTIPLE TATTOOS REFERENCING @ROCKGROUP@ >>>>>

HIS AXE APPEARS TO BE COVERED IN BLOOD ON THE BLUNT END. BUT WAIT... THERE'S A NOTE! PERHAPS IT's A CLUE? IT SAYS: "THE CRITICS KNOW BEST. BUT ONCE YOU FLIP A SWITCH, THEY ARE MAGNIFIED IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT." WOAH! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! WWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRD. PERHAPS THIS IS REFERENCING SOMETHING ON THIS VERY WEBSITE? LIKE, I WONDER IF I READ THIS "CLUE" AND CLICK AROUND IF I WILL FIND SOME HELPFUL INFO? THE ANSWER IS YES. >>>>>

IT APPEARS FOOTZI IS WEARING A T-SHIRT. THE T-SHIRT HAS A PICTURE OF EVERY MEMBER OF @ROCKGROUP@. SICK! >>>>>

THE IPHONE IS LOCKED. WOULD YOU LIKE TO [U]NLOCK THE PHONE OR CONTINUE TO [I]NSPECT THE EVIDENCE? >>>>>

>>>>>

PUT YOUR FACE CLOSE TO YOUR SCREEN TO UNLOCK THE PHONE WITH FACE-ID. HOLD IT THERE... WAIT.................. GET YOUR FACE CLOSER WAIT.................. SORRY THE FACE-ID FAILED WE WILL NEED THE SIX DIGIT PASSCODE. I WONDER IF THAT PASSCODE HIS HIDDEN SOMEWHERE ON THIS WEBISTE? I BET THERE IS A CLUE AROUND HIS BODY THAT MIGHT HELP! ENTER THE PASSCODE BELOW. OR TYPE [BACK] TO KEEP INSPECTING THE CLUES. >>>>>

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU UNLOCKED THE ANCIENT MURDER VICTIM'S IPHONE! YOU'VE REALLY SHOWN YOUR WORTH TO US. ESPECIALLY WHEN COMPARED TO THAT DRUNKY LITTLE SKUNKY CONSTABLE. DID YOU KNOW HE'S MARRIED TO A SHOE? HE'S NUTS. ANYWAY, WHAT APP WOULD YOU LIKE TO OPEN? [E]MAIL, [S]AFARI, [M]ESSAGES, [I]NSTAGRAM, [T]OP SECRENT APP >>>>>

LET'S OPEN THE E-MAIL APP. IT APPEARS IT'S ALL SPAM FROM SPAM® I HATE SPAM. BUT I *LOVE* SPAM® ANYWAY, THIS SEEMS LIKE AN INVASION OF PRIVACY. >>>>>

THE LAST WEB PAGE OPENED WAS HTTP://WWW.SPAM.COM IT SAYS "DON’T KNOCK IT 'TIL YOU’VE FRIED IT." CLEVER. I DON'T THINK THIS IS RELEVANT. >>>>>

HMMM, SEEMS LIKE THERE'S ONLY ONE TEXT MESSAGE. IT'S FROM AN UNLISTED NUMBER. THE MESSAGE SAYS: "HAVE YOU PLAYED THE CIRCLE GAME? MY BEST SCORE IS MARK MESSIER'S NUMBER TIMES TWO. NO MORE, NO LESS!" HUH, I WONDER WHO "ME" IS. THIS FEELS LIKE A CLUE. IS IT ONE? PROBABLY. >>>>>

HEY, LET'S NOT OKAY? INSTAGRAM IS A CANCER ON SOCIETY. >>>>>

THE TOP SECRET APP HAS SOME SORT OF GPS LOCK ON IT. YOU WILL NEED TO TRAVEL TO THE PHONE OWNER'S HOME TOWN IN ORDER TO OPEN IT. WHAT TOWN WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL TO? OR GO [BACK]. >>>>>

WHICH APP? WHICH APP? OH WHICH APP WILL YOU OPEN?!?! >>>>>

YOU'VE TRAVELED TO @KEYWORD@ TOWN, AUSTRIA YOU HAVE ALSO SUCCESSFULLY OPENED THE TOP SECRET APP! THE APP APPEARS TO BE SECRET PAYROLL INFORMATION FOR A LOCAL RESTAURANT "GUY FIERI'S AMERICAN AUSTRIAN KITCHEN üND BAR" "HOME OF GUY FIERI'S 'ASS KICKIN' APFELSTRUDEL'" WHAT DOES GUY FIERI AND HIS STAFF HAVE TO DO WITH THIS MURDER? LET'S ASK GUY FIERI HIMSELF. HIS PHONE NUMBER IS IN THE APP. WOULD YOU LIKE TO [C]ALL GUY FIERI, OR GO [S]KIING? >>>>>

YOU HIT UP A LOCAL SKI RENTAL PLACE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON SKIING. THE VIEWS ARE BEAUTIFUL. THE SNOW IS PERFECT. YOU FEEL ONE WITH NATURE. YOU HIT A ROCK AND DIE. DAMN. HOWEVER, WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN, GOD SENDS YOU BACK. "YOU HAVE A MISSION TO COMPLETE" - SAYS GOD. WOULD YOU LIKE TO [C]ALL GUY FIERI? >>>>>

RING...... RING...... RING...... GUY FIERI ANSWER'S THE PHONE! "HEY MR. SALAMI, IS THE DEED DONE?" YIKES! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO GUY FIERI? >>>>>

YOU SAY "@GUYLINE@" GUY FIERI RESPONDS WITH "HEY, YOU'RE NOT MR. SALAMI! WHO IS THIS WHY DO YOU HAVE HER PHONE?" YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD SAY NOTHING. THIS MAN COULD BE A MURDERER. YOU DON'T WANT TO TELL HIM WHO YOU WHAT IF HE'S DANGEROUS? YOU SPEAK: "MY NAME IS @NAME@ AND I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU DOWN GUY FIERI!" WELL ... NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! GUY FIERI RESPONDS: "WE NEED TO MEET. COME TO MY RESTAURANT!" GO TO THE [R]ESTAURANT >>>>>

YOU ARRIVE AT GUY FIERI'S AMERICAN AUSTRIAN KITCHEN üND BAR A HOST TAKE'S YOU THE UIP TABLE. (üBER IMPORTANT PERSON). THE HOST ASK'S FOR YOU ORDER. YOU ORDER THE "BEER GUT GOULASH" AND HELL, WHY NOT ... A LITTLE PIECE OF "CRAZY KENTUCKY KARDINALSCHNITTE" FOR DESSERT. SUDDENLY, THERE'S A FLASH OF LIGHT! W-W-W-W-WHAT WAS THAT?!?! SUDDENLY IN FRONT OF YOU IS GUY FIERI. HIS T-SHIRT SAYS "@ROCKGROUP@ FIRST WORLD TOUR." GUY FIERI: THANK YOU FOR MEETING ME AT MY RESTAURANT @NAME@: I'M HERE TO SOLVE A MURDER GUY FIERI: A MURDER?! @NAME@: A MURDER. GUY FIERI: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MR. SALAMI'S CELLPHONE? @NAME@: "I FOUND THIS TELEPHONE AT THE SCENCE OF THE CRIME.... I BELIEVE IT BELONGS TO THE MURDERER. WHO IS MR. SALAMI?" GUY FIERI: I WON'T SAY. WHO IS THE VICTIM?" @NAME@: WELL, IF I DON'T SOLVE THIS MURDER, THE ONLY TRUE VICTIM IS JUSTICE. GUY FIERI: I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF. ------------------ WOULD YOU LIKE TO: [P]RESS GUY FIERI ON WHAT "DEED" HE WAS REFERRING TO [A]SK FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH >>>>>

@NAME@: UM, I KNOW THIS IS PROBABLY AN AWKWARD TIME TO ASK BUT... GUY FIERI: YOU WANT MY THE SECRET RECIPE OF MY FAT FRIED FRANFURTER? @NAME@: NO ... ACTUALLY I WANT TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR AUTOGRAPH. GUY FIERI: WHY OF COURSE! I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO SIGN MY NAME FOR MY FANS. YOU HAND GUY FIERI A PEN AND HE SIGN'S YOUR CHEST. THIS IS SO AWESOME AND SURREAL AND YOU ARE TOTALLY STARSTRUCK. @NAME@: I'LL NEVER WASH THIS CHEST! OKAY NO MORE MESSING AROUND. DO YOU WANT TO [P]RESS GUY FIERI ON "DEED" HE WAS REFERRING TOO? >>>>>

@NAME@: OKAY MR. FLASHY HOLLYWOOD SEX GOD, TIME TO GET TO BRASS TAX. GUY FIERI: I LIKE YOUR STYLE. @NAME@: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. GUY FIERI IS TAKEN ABACK. @NAME@: "IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHO MR. SALAMI IS, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ... [S]LAP THE CUFFS ON YOUR HOT LITTLE WRISTS" [L]ET YOU WALK FREE" [F]LEX MY BICEPS" [C]OUGH" >>>>>

@NAME@: ... I'M GONNA HAVE TO SLAP THE CUFFS ON YOUR HOT LITTLE WRISTS! GUY FIERI: I'LL NEVER TELL! YOU SLAP THE CUFFS ON HIS HOT LITTLE WRISTS. GUY FIERI: MY HOT LITTLE WRISTS! @NAME@: WHO'S MR. SALAMI?! GUY FIERI: WHO TOLD YOU MY HOT LITTLE WRISTS WERE MY WEAKNESS? @NAME@: CALL IT A HUNCH. GUY FIERI: OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TELL! I'LL TELL! JUST FREE MY HOT LITTLE WRISTS! YOU FREE HIS HOT LITTLE WRISTS.

@NAME@: ... I'M GONNA HAVE TO LET YOU WALK FREE! GUY FIERI: I'LL NEVER TELL! @NAME@: THEN ... I GUESS ... YOU CAN WALK FREE GUY FIERI: OKAY I'M GOING THEN. @NAME: YOU'RE FREE TO GO. GUY FIERI: I'M WALKING AWAY. @NAME@: I'M NOT STOPPING YOU. GUY FIERI: NOR SHOULD YOU. @NAME@: NOR WOULD I. GUY FIERI: OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TALK! JESUS CHRIST I'LL TALK!

@NAME@: ... I'M GONNA HAVE TO FLEX MY BICEPS! GUY FIERI: I'LL NEVER TELL! YOU RIP OFF YOUR SHIRT AND FLEX YOUR GREASY MUSCLES. GUY FIERI: WOAH! YOU WORK OUT! @NAME@: I PREFER TO CALL IT WORKING *IN*. BECAUSE I'M WORKING TO GET *IN* TO SHAPE, NOT OUT OF IT. GUY FIERI: OH THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING. @NAME@: AND WHY DO PEOPLE SAY RIPPED? RIPPED IS BAD! NOBODY WANT'S SOMETHING THAT'S RIPPED! GUY FIERI: HA, YEAH THAT'S TRUE. @NAME@: DO YOU WANT THIS PIECE OF RIPPED PAPER? UMMMMMM, NO THANKS. GUY FIERI: HEY MAN YOU'RE FUNNY. @NAME@: I JUST SEE THE WORLD IN A CERTAIN WAY I GUESS. GUY FIERI: I LIKE YOU. OKAY, I'LL TALK.

@NAME@: ... I'M GONNA HAVE TO COUGH! GUY FIERI: I'LL NEVER TELL! YOU COUGH. THE FORCE OF YOUR COUGH KNOCKS YOU OFF YOUR FEET. YOU LAND ON AN ERRANT TREE BRANCH. THE OPPOSITE END OF THE TREE BRANCH FLINGS UP LIKE A CATAPAULT. A BIRD'S NEST THAT WAS PERCHED ON THE BRANCH FLIES THROUGH THE AIR. THE NEST FLIES FULL FORCE INTO GUY FIERI'S FACE. GUY FIERI IS KNOCKED OUT COLD. ONE OF THE EGGS IN THE NEST HATCHES. A BABY BIRD COMES OUT. THE BABY BIRD, IN IT'S FIRST ACT OF LIFE, ADMINISTERS CPR ON GUY FIERI'S LIMP BODY. HE TAKES HIS WET LITTLE BABY BEAK AND PUSHES IT INTO GUY FIERI'S CHEST. HE SCUTTLES ON HIS LITTLE NEWBOARD BIRD FEET OVER TO THE MOUTH. HE BREATHES LIFE INTO GUY FIERI. GUY FIERI COMES TO. HE GASPS FOR AIR. HE LOOKS AT BIRD, GRATEFULL FOR SAVING HIS LIFE. GUY FIERI SAYS NOTHING. BECAUSE NOTHING NEEDS TO SAID. THE BABY BIRD NODS IN RECOGNITION AND FLYS AWAY. THAT BIRD WOULD GO ON TO BE BIRD PRESIDENT. GUY FIERI: OKAY ... I'LL TALK.

GUY FIERI TAKES A DEEP BREATH ... AND TALKS GUY FIERI: MR. SALAMI IS CONTRACTER I HIRED. HE'S A FIXER. @NAME@: WHAT DID YOU HIRE HIM TO DO? GUY FIERI: WELL YOU SEE, I RECENTLY OPENED GUY FIERI'S AMERICAN AUSTRIAN KITCHEN üND BAR. GUY FIERI: BUT BUSINESS HAS BEEN SLOW. @NAME@: SO WHAT, THE RESTAURANT INDUSTRY IS TOUGH. YOU OF ALL PEOPLE KNOW THAT. GUY FIERI: YES BUT YOU SEE IT MADE NO SENSE! THE DEMAND HERE IS HUGE. GUY FIERI: THE DAY WE OPENED THE RESTAURANT, THERE WERE PARADES IN THE VILLAGE. THE PEOPLE WE THRILLED! @NAME@: WELL WHAT HAPPEND, HOT SHOT? GUY FIERI: JUST AS I WAS GOING TO CUT THE RIBBON, I WAS APPROACHED BY A VILLAGE ELDER. GUY FIERI: HE TOLD ME THAT THE RESTAURANT WAS BUILT ON CURSED LAND. @NAME@: HOW IS THE LAND CURSED? GUY FIERI: THERE WAS AN EVIL DEED DONE ON THIS SPOT ... GUY FIERI: ... IN ANCIENT TIMES! @NAME@: SO YOU HIRED MR. SALAMI TO ... ? GUY FIERI: YOU SEE, ANCIENT CURSES AREN'T SO EASY TO GET RID OF. GUY FIERI: CURSES ARE LIKE OATMEAL. THE LONGER THEY SIT OUT, THE HARDER THEY GET. GUY FIERI: THIS CURSE HAS CRUSTED OVER. @NAME@: AND MR. SALAMI WAS FITS INTO THIS HOW? GUY FIERI: I'M GETTING THERE. GUY FIERI: WHEN THE ELDER TOLD ME OF THE CURSE. HE SAID SOMETHING ODD. CRYPTIC EVEN? @NAME@: CRYPTIC? GUY FIERI: YEAH, ALMOST LIKE ... A CLUE. @NAME@: I LOVE CLUES. WHAT DID HE SAY? GUY FIEIR: HE SAID — "WHEN THE SHOW END, AND THE STAGE IS CAST IN DARKNESS, TRANSFORMATIONS SHALL TAKE PLACE."